How to have a good, difficult conversation

Difficult conversations are hard, and can go disastrously wrong, but we have some tips to help them go a bit better. Or at least help you prepare for them and help you in the moment when things aren’t going as planned.

This article summarises some of the ‘golden nuggets’ we discussin more detail in our podcast – Unlocking conflict.

Preparing for the converation

Before you have the conversation, take some time to prepare what you want to say.

Here are some key questions we encourage people to use to prepare what they might say and how:

Get curious about what’s going on under the surface:

What are you feeling and why? What might you be needing?

What might they be feeling, deep down? And what deeper needs might they have?

Prioritise:

If you could only achieve one thing from the conversation, would it be?

Plan what you want to say and – crucially – how:

How could you say what you want to say in a way that they can best hear?

Putting yourself in their shoes, how would you receive what you are trying to tell them?

How can you say it neutrally and without judgement (which makes most people shut down rather than say open)?

Practicalities – the when and where:

Think about the when and the where. How can you speak to them at a time and place when you are both likely to be your best, most relaxed and unhurried selves?

Check out more tips in our preparing for a tricky conversation podcast episode.

If things start to break down or get stuck in the conversation:

Take a breath and slow down:

Increasing tension tends to speed things up – people start to speak faster and louder. Everyone may be thinking less clearly and have less time to process their thoughts. In order to de-escalate and get back to a quality conversation, try slowing down. Take a moment to breathe before jumping in, responding or reacting. This will also give you a moment to think, “What do I want to say and how can I best communicate it?” Remember what you prepared and what you want to get out of this specific conversation.

Remember to listen:

It’s really easy to focus only on what you want to say and forget to listen to the other person. Remember the last time you felt someone didn’t listen to you? It’s generally not something people enjoy! Instead, using active listening demonstrates that you have heard what they are saying to you. This podcast episode describes how to do it, and just how powerful it can be.

Try changing the context:

Sometimes changing the physical situation or circumstances is a good way of shifting the tone if it’s started to go down hill or just run into a dead end. You could try inviting the other person to sit down, or have a cup of tea, or go out for a walk. We often get pen and paper out to try drawing out and mind mapping the issues we’re speaking about. All this can change the dynamics of the conversation and encourage fresh thinking.

Take a break:

Don’t be afraid to take a break. Conversations take time and energy. If you find yourself struggling, think about how you can ask if you can have a break or revisit the conversation at another time, so that you can do it justice.

Focus on keeping your tone calm and relaxed

People tend to mirror each other’s body language, and tone. For example, if one person starts speaking with huge excitement, or anxiety, others follow. If one person starts speaking slowly, others tend to slow down too. In a tense situation, keeping your tone soft and calm can help others to do the same. All of this helps people stay out of “threat” responses like freeze, fight and flight, which make it harder to listen and think clearly.

For more on de-escalating conflict, check out our podcast episode here.